I don’t know why, I know most people have a shower every other day but I have to have one every single day. I’ve heard that it strips your hair of its natural oils and drys your skin but my skin isn’t dry at all and my hair always looks ok. In addition to having a shower every single night, my showers take about an hour and a half because I have a specific routine in the shower including going over my body with the body wash 6 times (with a small amount of shower gel), I don’t add anymore. Everyone says it’s weird but I feel so dirty if I go out and I haven’t had a shower within the last day. I guess I wash my hair all the time because it’s really the only thing you can control on your body and make it look how you want it. You can’t change your face. You can wear makeup but I’m not a big fan of getting up early to make myself look better. I prefer the ”get up with 6 minutes to spare routine”. Also, I hate the feeling of makeup on my face, so there’s that. This started off as a post about how I’m weirdly obsessed with taking showers and ended up with me talking about how I hate the feeling of makeup on my face, I always go off subject and ramble on about something or other.
You know when your sister tells you something and you tell your parents? Then you have to deal with the wrath of your sister… we don’t do it out of spite, we don’t want you to repeat the same mistakes we did. They think that we’re out to get them when we’re actually making sure that nothing and no-one else does. There was a time when I occasionally smoked whenever I was stressed out or annoyed. I’ve never been addicted to smoking but I’m trying to not smoke any at all and do better things for my stress and for my health. My sister is 15 and is starting to drink and occasionally smoke as well. The other day, she told me she was going to buy a packet and we could go halves on them… so obviously I told our mum. She got mad, despite the fact she used to do it to me but here’s the thing… as I said before, older sisters aren’t out to get you, we don’t want you to copy what we did and we don’t want to encourage you to do those things. I guess my sister sees me doing those things and thinks it’s ok or that it will work to cure anxiety and stress. I know she’s not a baby and she’s 15 but no matter how old she is, she’ll still look at the things I’m doing and shadow them which is why I’m trying to set a better example for her and my youngest sister, age 5.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been learning to drive which is quite frankly terrifying for other people on the road. My co-ordination skills have never been good at all. I’m 19 so I’m learning fairly late. It’s not as hard as I thought it would be but I just can’t get the hang of the clutch! Sometimes when I stop, the car stalls and it really frustrates me. I can’t seem to get used to the brakes either, I always stop too early or too late. Plus I never start to steer the car in the right direction when I’m about to turn. Another thing that I find really difficult to keep up with is the gear shift. I’m fine when someone tells me what gear to put the car in but when I’m finally driving on my own, I’m not going to have a clue what gear to put the car in at different times. Also, I’m terrified of driving on a busy road for the first time because I’m responsible for not injuring myself or anyone else which is immensely scary. I really hope I can handle driving around lots of other cars and that it will all click into place like everyone says it will.
I can’t remember the last time I actually had a healthy meal. That’s really shameful to admit but I just love junk food too much. I don’t eat takeaway a lot but I mostly eat college cafeteria food and microwave meals, which evidently aren’t healthy. I tried to go on a diet when I was 13. I ate one salad and swore it off after a DAY. I’m not overweight, I’m a healthy weight for a 19 year old girl, however I do believe that constantly shovelling junk food down my face is detrimental to my health. Whenever I think about going on a diet, I feel like my stomach shrivels up and my lips will suddenly padlock shut. I mean, eating healthily once a week, I could deal with that. Eating healthily all the time and having salads every day? Just make me eat paper, it probably tastes the same. I also have a strong aversion to exercise and dread the day that I start piling on the pounds because people keep telling me that inevitably it will come. I don’t want to go to the gym or eat healthy. I want to laze around and eat junk food and stay thin forever god damnit!
yesterday, as most of you will know was world book day. Schools all around the world participated in activities and got children to dress up as their favourite book characters. However, on Facebook I saw tons of posts by people captioned ”dressed up as Darth Vader, so cute!!” or ”he’s Captain America lol”. Now, I’m aware that the marvel characters originally came from comics but it’s debatable as to whether they count as books per se. As for Star Wars, they were originally movies and some books were churned out based on the movies, but the children that I had seen dressed up were in their get-up because of the movies as evidenced by ”he’s never even watched it haha”. Note the word ”watched”. I understand that world book day is just a bit of fun but it IS world book day, not world movie day. Is it really that hard to get your child to pick up a book and read it? Are they really not inspired by any original book characters? If they have difficulty reading, why not pick up a book and read for them? Why is television favoured so much over books nowadays and why do parents not encourage their children to read more? This is just a thought to leave you with, does anyone agree or disagree?
It started off okay. I turned up at college, eager to enrol and start my course. I picked performing arts because I want to act when I graduate. I auditioned and got a place, so far so good. For the first couple of weeks, I loved it… but then the assignments and logbooks started rolling in. I couldn’t cope with all the work, it was stressing me out to the point that I was getting pains in my chest and crying all the time. In the end, I finished my logbooks and my assignments but that anxiety was still there, rooted deep within me. The work kept coming and one day, one of my teacher’s criticised my acting. This wouldn’t normally be a problem except I had foolishly come off my depression medication and I was on my period, so as you can expect, this resulted in me being a heaping mess of sadness. I hadn’t taken my medication again and I had more work. I felt like I couldn’t cope with it. I burrowed down under my duvet and just lay there. I didn’t want to get out of bed at all. I didn’t eat. I ended up having a mental breakdown wherein I lay on the roof outside my house in the rain (a flat roof), not a slanted one. I thought of jumping off but I couldn’t do it so I resigned myself to lying there and freezing to death. I was wearing flimsy pajamas and the rain had soaked through, leaving me shivering to the bone. After a couple of minutes, I guess my mum had heard me open the window because she opened it and found me lay out there. She told me to come inside and change my pajamas. I didn’t have the energy to get changed, I just lay in bed. Later on in the day, my body was burning up but I had goosebumps at the same time. I also started vomiting. I don’t know whether lying outside had made me ill or whether anxiety and stress had bought this on but I took another week off. Next week is a fresh start, hopefully I can get back to college and make a go of it it but now I’m lying here, writing this post and wondering…. When I leave college, how am I going to cope in the real world?