College sucks the life out of me, how will I cope in the real world?

It started off okay. I turned up at college, eager to enrol and start my course. I picked performing arts because I want to act when I graduate. I auditioned and got a place, so far so good. For the first couple of weeks, I loved it… but then the assignments and logbooks started rolling in. I couldn’t cope with all the work, it was stressing me out to the point that I was getting pains in my chest and crying all the time. In the end, I finished my logbooks and my assignments but that anxiety was still there, rooted deep within me. The work kept coming and one day, one of my teacher’s criticised my acting. This wouldn’t normally be a problem except I had foolishly come off my depression medication and I was on my period, so as you can expect, this resulted in me being a heaping mess of sadness. I hadn’t taken my medication again and I had more work. I felt like I couldn’t cope with it. I burrowed down under my duvet and just lay there. I didn’t want to get out of bed at all. I didn’t eat. I ended up having a mental breakdown wherein I lay on the roof outside my house in the rain (a flat roof), not a slanted one. I thought of jumping off but I couldn’t do it so I resigned myself to lying there and freezing to death. I was wearing flimsy pajamas and the rain had soaked through, leaving me shivering to the bone. After a couple of minutes, I guess my mum had heard me open the window because she opened it and found me lay out there. She told me to come inside and change my pajamas. I didn’t have the energy to get changed, I just lay in bed. Later on in the day, my body was burning up but I had goosebumps at the same time. I also started vomiting. I don’t know whether lying outside had made me ill or whether anxiety and stress had bought this on but I took another week off. Next week is a fresh start, hopefully I can get back to college and make a go of it it but now I’m lying here, writing this post and wondering…. When I leave college, how am I going to cope in the real world?


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